Healing Ourselves

Over the last two and a half years I have written about the changes that have taken place in me as a care partner to Sumi. With these changes have also come the acceptance and wisdom that life does not unfold according to our own wishes.

Recently, I came across a small book, The Caregiver’s Tao Te Ching by William and Nancy Martin. This book expresses encouragement and wisdom from the classic Chinese text, The Tao Te Ching written by Lao Tzu, a legendary figure from some 2,600 years ago.

The Caregiver’s Tao Te Ching has 81 single page chapters. Each chapter begins with a poem followed by a brief commentary.

I like Chapter 33, titled Healing Ourselves. It gives a voice to my own experience and journey as a care partner over the last six and a half years.

Below, I’d like to share this chapter:
Much of our suffering stems from believing that we know what other people think and feel. We act on these assumptions, only to feel hurt and rejected when our words and actions are not welcome.

In our Tao mind, we take nothing personally and remain with our own experience. We cannot know what our care receivers are experiencing. Their attention moves from one physical sensation to another and from one internal story to the next. Their response is not about us, but a reflection of the inner work they are doing. Stepping back, we look at our own heart. What are we experiencing? What are the fears and the anxieties, the hopes and expectations that we carry right now? Can we focus compassion on our own heart where the turmoil exits?

Considering these questions, we reenter our direct experience. We do not need to understand what others are going through. Accepting our own inner dynamics, we find new balance and calm. We can wait, open and available, so we will be ready when they can share what they need.”